I Am A Cheese

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I don’t really have much to blog this week, so I have decided to pull a ridiculous parody of Dr Spencer Johnsons ‘Who Moved My Cheese?’ from my personal archives.

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A Motivational and Inspirational Guide to Modern Business Ethics

 

Where Angels Fear to Treadmill

 

Imagine, for one second, that you are a tiny insignificant rodent in the feline world of the global economy.

The reality of the matter is, that’s exactly what you are. But, don’t be disheartened. With a pinch of positive thinking, a tablespoon of motivation and a soupcon of forward planning, you too could be licking your creamy paws while your colleagues are running the treadmill of obscurity on your behalf.

But, don’t be disheartened. With a pinch of positive thinking, a tablespoon of motivation and a soupcon of forward planning, you too could be licking your creamy paws while your colleagues are running the treadmill of obscurity on your behalf.

“How is this possible?” you ask.

So first, let me ask you:

Do you feel like a fish in wolves clothing; a sheep out of water, a snake in a china shop, an aardvark swimming amongst sharks, or any other animal/mammal that is ill-fitting in a situation?

If this is the case, you have already been beaten like a self-effacing egg pummeled into sorry submission by an enraged pastry chef.

So you want to know how to win?

Sure. I’ll tell you. The recipe for success is relatively simple. Think of it as a recipe for making a fine cheese.

 

To Brie or not to Brie?

 

You begin with the milk.

The milk signifies you, as an individual. You start this journey as a pure unspoiled fluid, untouched by human hand, unprocessed – effectively a dairy blank slate.

You start this journey as a pure unspoiled fluid, untouched by human hand, unprocessed – effectively a dairy blank slate.

Do not try to sell yourself to your superiors as yet.

In your current liquid state, you would simply run through any cracker of opportunity or dampen the bread of possibility.

In short, you are not yet prepared for the trials and tribulations ahead. You are a square peg attempting to fit into a round hole; a peg that is being banged repeatedly on the head by an amorphous hammer of indeterminate shape.

So now you can begin the next stage – Pasteurisation of your personality.

This can be achieved by bringing yourself to a metaphorical boil. This is not to be confused with a literal boil, as the human body is not designed to be heated at length in a giant pot. That might be fine for crustaceans, but this is all about cheese, so we’ll leave the shellfish out of it.

During this boiling process, you will begin to exude concepts, emit ideas and perspire inspiration. This will lead to damply developed plans; piquant proposals that you wish to implement once you reach the next stage: Fermentation.

 

The Grated Business Minds of our Time

 

By this point, you should have a clearer indication of the type of employee you are, and a working knowledge of your strengths and weaknesses.

Traditionally, within the cheese making cycle, you separate the curds from the whey. Just as in farming they separate the wheat from the chaff, and in business they separate free will from people.

So discard your weaker concepts of self, such as retaining individuality or identity, and embrace the remaining stronger amour propre. You are beginning to find your whey!

Beware.

You are still not in a position to march willy-nilly into the boardroom, waving your partially coagulated notions to the wind, and flaunting your semi-solid form.

You are too diffuse!

Although you can be spread, you are not yet a firm contender, and will not compliment the vintage claret of your immediate upper echelon.

 

Tasty – not hasty!

 

The final stage is fermentation.

You have reduced your previous regrettable form into half of its original mass, but at the same time you still need to mature.

You will be required to sit in a dark place for quite some time, and may even have to resort to covering yourself head to toe in wax. This will allow you to harden and for the formulation of your original thoughts to crystallize.

The perfect way to achieve this in the office environment is to offer to do some long overdue filing. Before you know it you will find yourself banished to a broom closet, furnished with a grubby filing cabinet, for an outrageously long period of time.

Your colleagues will thank you, but eye you suspiciously, as they know you are capable of so much more.

Little do they know that a chemical reaction is taking place within you. Your objectives are ripening; it is that ripening that will catapult you to the top and make you a cheese supreme!

 

3 Cheese – Chips, Dip, Hooray!

 

Once you have matured and hardened you are ready to present your essence for collective degustation.

Presentation, in this case, is everything. So be acutely aware of how you plate yourself up to the board.

I would suggest a modest rustic platter, with perhaps a sprig of parsley or thyme, a generous slice of your very being and a cheeky glass of mildly fruity Italian red to wash you down.

I guarantee that you will not fail to impress, your intended audience will find your innovative ways and fresh approach easy to digest, and will devour you with gusto.

Congratulations!

You have now entered the digestive tract of corporate life and are slowly moving towards the bowels of the business world.

 

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