5 things beginning with the letter S that have very little to do with the new Star Wars movie, or any previous Star Wars movie.

force awakens

It is no secret that Star Wars : The Force Awakens is truly a force to be reckoned with in relation to box office records.

In it’s first day alone The Force Awakens has smashed, crunched and duly shattered the window of probability with the hammer of plausibility and broken the all time records for largest Friday, opening day and single day. Prior to the beast that is The Force Awakens being unleashed on the humble weekday, Fridays may as well have been rendered non existent or relegated to rainy Wednesday afternoons.

Rather than promote the obvious I want to point out 5 consecutively numbered things that are conspicuous by their absence in the Star Wars universe.

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1. Salt

Salt is amazing, and versatile substance. In it’s natural mineral form salt is crystalline; it’s chemical composition primarily being composed of sodium chloride. Salt can be used to preserve, cure and season food. It can also be used as a cleaning agent, to kill unwanted moths, as an effective yet tangy mouthwash and, if correctly applied, can even improve skin complexion.

However, with all of the amazing properties that salt possesses it does not feature too heavily in Star Wars : The Force Awakens.

shakespeare

2. Shakespeare

Although the bard of Avon would almost certainly have loved the Star Wars franchise due to it’s dramatic plot development, political intrigue, nepotistic character relationships and eternal struggle between good and evil, it is highly unlikely that he would have understood the concept of moving pictures and would have denounced The Force Awakens as witchcraft most foul.

If Shakespeare had penned the Force Awakens chances are it would have been set in a miserably dank castle in Finland besieged by Scottish dwarves and inhabited by disgruntled ghosts. Alas, twas not to be.

stamps

3. Stamps

There are quite a few times in the Star Wars universe when messages have to be relayed from one party to another. The main method of conveying this communication between correspondent and recipient appears to be crash landed droid, a droid who will only respond to one particular person. The Force Awakens suffers from this issue.

The invention of stamps and the inclusion of a post office on all major planets is a practical solution. The galactic sorting office would have to remain impartial with no allegiance to either the republic or the empire eliminating the possibility of mail tampering. I strongly believe that with the correct infrastructure in place that all inhabitants of the Star Wars universe would benefit immensely from an efficiently managed delivery system.

 

sandwiches2

4. Sandwiches

Sandwiches are an adaptable snack or meal which can be tailor made to suit your dietary preferences. There are a vast amount of fillings to choose from such as cheese and ham and a massive choice of breads to place these fillings between.

Sadly at no point during The Force Awakens does any character either stop to eat, or indeed make, a sandwich.

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5. Santa

Tis the season and Christmas day fast approaches with the inevitability of a tailspinning TIE fighter.

With the festive season bearing down on us like a tinsel festooned Sith lord you would think that Star Wars : The Force Awakens would have capitalised on the Christmas spirit.

Like it’s icy predecessor Hoth, Starkiller base is a veritable winter wonderland albeit with weapons off mass destruction rather than holly, eggnog and glittery baubles.  The overall sense of doom and despondency would have been lightened considerably if Father Christmas had made an appearance and distributed gifts to the First Order and rebels alike.

In hindsight most of the characters that inhabit  Starkiller base would definitely be on the naughty list.

You might think it far fetched that jolly St Nick would show face in The Force Awakens but Santa made a surprising cameo appearance in the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe to alleviate the tension between the white witch and the woodland creatures of Narnia.

I am sorry for the spoiler, but there is absolutely no Christmas cheer in The Force Awakens. Santa Clause is definitely not coming to this town, city, region, principality, protectorate, peninsula, continent, planet, star system, galaxy or universe.

 

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