5 things beginning with the letter S that have very little to do with the new Star Wars movie, or any previous Star Wars movie.

force awakens

It is no secret that Star Wars : The Force Awakens is truly a force to be reckoned with in relation to box office records.

In it’s first day alone The Force Awakens has smashed, crunched and duly shattered the window of probability with the hammer of plausibility and broken the all time records for largest Friday, opening day and single day. Prior to the beast that is The Force Awakens being unleashed on the humble weekday, Fridays may as well have been rendered non existent or relegated to rainy Wednesday afternoons.

Rather than promote the obvious I want to point out 5 consecutively numbered things that are conspicuous by their absence in the Star Wars universe.

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1. Salt

Salt is amazing, and versatile substance. In it’s natural mineral form salt is crystalline; it’s chemical composition primarily being composed of sodium chloride. Salt can be used to preserve, cure and season food. It can also be used as a cleaning agent, to kill unwanted moths, as an effective yet tangy mouthwash and, if correctly applied, can even improve skin complexion.

However, with all of the amazing properties that salt possesses it does not feature too heavily in Star Wars : The Force Awakens.

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2. Shakespeare

Although the bard of Avon would almost certainly have loved the Star Wars franchise due to it’s dramatic plot development, political intrigue, nepotistic character relationships and eternal struggle between good and evil, it is highly unlikely that he would have understood the concept of moving pictures and would have denounced The Force Awakens as witchcraft most foul.

If Shakespeare had penned the Force Awakens chances are it would have been set in a miserably dank castle in Finland besieged by Scottish dwarves and inhabited by disgruntled ghosts. Alas, twas not to be.

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3. Stamps

There are quite a few times in the Star Wars universe when messages have to be relayed from one party to another. The main method of conveying this communication between correspondent and recipient appears to be crash landed droid, a droid who will only respond to one particular person. The Force Awakens suffers from this issue.

The invention of stamps and the inclusion of a post office on all major planets is a practical solution. The galactic sorting office would have to remain impartial with no allegiance to either the republic or the empire eliminating the possibility of mail tampering. I strongly believe that with the correct infrastructure in place that all inhabitants of the Star Wars universe would benefit immensely from an efficiently managed delivery system.

 

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4. Sandwiches

Sandwiches are an adaptable snack or meal which can be tailor made to suit your dietary preferences. There are a vast amount of fillings to choose from such as cheese and ham and a massive choice of breads to place these fillings between.

Sadly at no point during The Force Awakens does any character either stop to eat, or indeed make, a sandwich.

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5. Santa

Tis the season and Christmas day fast approaches with the inevitability of a tailspinning TIE fighter.

With the festive season bearing down on us like a tinsel festooned Sith lord you would think that Star Wars : The Force Awakens would have capitalised on the Christmas spirit.

Like it’s icy predecessor Hoth, Starkiller base is a veritable winter wonderland albeit with weapons off mass destruction rather than holly, eggnog and glittery baubles.  The overall sense of doom and despondency would have been lightened considerably if Father Christmas had made an appearance and distributed gifts to the First Order and rebels alike.

In hindsight most of the characters that inhabit  Starkiller base would definitely be on the naughty list.

You might think it far fetched that jolly St Nick would show face in The Force Awakens but Santa made a surprising cameo appearance in the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe to alleviate the tension between the white witch and the woodland creatures of Narnia.

I am sorry for the spoiler, but there is absolutely no Christmas cheer in The Force Awakens. Santa Clause is definitely not coming to this town, city, region, principality, protectorate, peninsula, continent, planet, star system, galaxy or universe.

 

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You can’t teach an old blog new tricks

Confessions of a freelancing amateur and blogging novice.

The decision to begin a blog has been both easy and difficult. Allow me to elaborate.

I can see how, after conducting research into the pros and cons of starting a blog, it is a wonderful way to get you into a disciplined frame of mind to write and consequently lend some structure to that writing.

By the end of this exercise I plan, with your assistance, to transform my writing into a vast shining futuristic monolith with mirrored windows and not the ramshackle partially thatched cottage awaiting demolition that it is at the moment.

Prior to researching I was attempting to write everything in alphabetti spaghetti which was unnecessarily messy, expensive and ultimately extremely difficult to deliver to the appropriate audience unless they were localised in my kitchen.

That is of course a mild fiction meant to entertain. I am aware that most successfully published authors, or popular bloggers for that matter, tend not to convey their message in pasta. At least not at the beginning of their careers.

The truth of the matter is that the written word is something that I love.

At the moment I am a struggling office worker struggling to become a struggling writer. If I play my cards right I may eventually make enough money to starve.

For now that sounds more like an insanely idealistic and somewhat impractically lengthy job description. With any luck it will improve over time to just being short and insane.

So why haven’t I done something productive before now?

I have, like many others, fallen foul of the polar opposite of being disciplined and have been deeply ensconced in the all too familiar routine of work, family, commuting and procrastination. It becomes far too easy to find excuses and then justify those excuses with vague reasoning before succumbing to distractions that only serve to compound your lack of motivation.

Oh look, a duck ! Where was I?

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A Duck

Cry havoc and let slip the blogs of war.

If you have made it this far and wish to read on, then congratulations, you probably deserve some sort of award. I will now stop digressing and get to the point, yes, there is a point.

My main aim is to chart and document my failures and successes, or indeed successes and failures in attempting to become a freelance writer of resounding ambiguity and enigmatic hairstyle.

I will use this blog as a living breathing resume of sorts; a method of showcasing my distinct lack of formal talent within this field, or for that matter, any field.

I would love for you all to share this journey of self discovery and random diatribe with me and to keep me focused on my goal.

Focus, after all, is a major achievement these days. Whether we are frantically checking emails hoping that a human being is on the other end and not trying to sell us something; or endlessly flicking through videos of kittens peeking over the top of wellington boots and clogging the drain of social media like cute and strangely compelling clumps of hair, we are all being sidetracked.

We are, on a daily basis, subject to completely losing concentration while getting immersed in click through advertising promising us chiselled ankles, delicious ways to both gain and lose weight in some sort of Sisyphean battle of culinary futility and any other in a plethora of brightly coloured and mildly attractive distractions, quizzes and listicles. It’s a wonder that any of us ever get out of bed.

Oh look ! There’s that duck again.

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A Duck – but again.

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So, I am making a pact with everyone that I will attempt to the best of my abilities to :

  • Write something, anything on a weekly basis at the very least.
  • Make my writing insightful, informative or failing any of these, vaguely entertaining.
  • Cease my procrastinating ways and be more productive.
  • Research running a blog, and promote any material that has assisted me to do so.
  • Value the advice, opinion, assistance and support of my peers.